Figures. That fucking coward.
I opened the door very slowly and scanned the hallway. She was standing a safe distance away with her arms crossed. Leila was a thin, naturally beautiful woman with plump lips and long, straight hair. Even though her husband had left her to raise two boys on her own, she still had hope in her eyes. I envied her for that.
“Are you going to help me?” I asked as I twirled my hair nervously.
“Yes.”
I opened the door wider to let her in. “I have a change of clothes.” I held up a pair of tattered underwear. “But these won’t last long if I don’t get a pad or something.”
“I have nothing at the house. I wish I would have known.”
“Yeah, me too,” I said. I could feel the blood flowing again, so I sat back down on the toilet.
“No, I wish I would have known your mother hadn’t left anything. I would have given you some pads to keep here, just in case.”
“Well, she didn’t.”
“All right, well . . .” She stood for a moment, as if she were trying to figure out what to do, then she walked toward me and pulled out several lengths of toilet paper from the roll, winding them around and around her hand. “Put this in your underwear, get dressed, and come with me. I’ll take you to the store. Your father gave me a few dollars.”
“He did?” I was shocked.
She laughed. “Of course. He’s not a monster.”
“He kind of is,” I whispered.
“Yeah, but he loves you, Emerson. He’s still here, isn’t he?”
“He doesn’t love me. Look at me.” I crossed my eyes and stuck out my tongue. She laughed. The mood felt lighter. “You’re a silly girl. No wonder Jax is so fond of you.”
There was silence for a few seconds. “Fond of me?” The words came out like a breath. I knew Jax and I were friends, but the way she said those words made me feel like maybe my deepest feelings, the ones I didn’t even consciously acknowledge, meant something. Everything felt lighter, like the planet had been catapulted into the cosmos and we were spinning freely through space and time. My cramps were killing me, I had blood running down my leg, but it didn’t matter: I was floating on a cloud, all because Jax was fond of me. Even though I knew it myself, to hear someone else say it validated everything for me.
“Does he know?”
“What, honey?”
“About my, um . . . um . . .” I pointed to my crotch.
“He was there when your dad came in. He was worried because your dad was in a panic.”
I was mortified. “So he knows?”
“Don’t worry. Just get dressed and meet me outside.”
I did as she asked, walking by my father as he sat at the kitchen table staring out the window.
“Be right back, Dad.”
He didn’t answer, but that wasn’t unusual. Sometimes my dad would have a human moment, like he did when he went to Leila’s. I imagined what he looked like, out of breath and asking for help. It still wasn’t enough to make me feel completely loved by him, but it was enough to make me feel some kind of love for him. Or maybe it was pity. When you’re twelve, it’s hard to know the difference.
Inside Leila’s Camaro, she blasted Guns N’ Roses. She didn’t turn it down or make an attempt to talk to me the whole way to the store.
Once we were inside the store, she threw a package of pads in the basket, along with some granola bars and Fruit Roll-Ups. “You keep these hidden from your dad, okay? Keep them in your room in case you get hungry.”
I hesitated for a moment. “You know that Jax gives me half his lunch, right?”
“I know. I’ve known for a long time. And it’s okay with me. Your dad’s just not functional. He’s in a bad way. It’s just too bad he can’t go back to that functioning alcoholic we all knew and loved.”
I paused. “You mean my dad has always been an alcoholic?”
“He wasn’t an asshole, but he was always a drinker.” She held up a chocolate bar. “I bet you’re craving one of these right about now.”
“Oh god, I would die for one.”
“I thought so.” She threw it in the basket.
“What else did Jax tell you?”
“It’s not my business. I’ve got enough to worry about myself.” Instantly, the fantasy I’d been harboring of Leila Fisher ever adopting me went poof! I thought she was perfect, that she was the kind of person who could never live with herself knowing that I was next door, neglected and starving because of my drunk father. But I realized she knew about everything—the lunches, the meals in the shed . . . and yet she had never stepped in to talk to my dad about what was going on.
Having a bunch of shitty adults constantly letting you down really kills a kid’s view of the world.
Leila grabbed a twelve-pack of Budweiser and carried our stuff to the checkout. “Pack of Camel Lights,” she said to the clerk, and then paid him in singles.
On the way back, she turned the music down. “Now that you’re a woman, you can get pregnant. You know that, right?”